Walking With God

First I want to say that these items I’ve learned and obtained from my favourite site. None of them are really my idea, I have my own thoughts about the tools, and how I use them, but they are something that I’ve learned from fellow GBD (Grace Based Discipline) families.

So dealing with toddlers can be difficult, they require so much attention and devotion at this age to build that foundation for the rest of their lives. Sometimes I wonder, if I had known this method to the extent I know now when Ahnikha was a baby, I wonder how different things would be with her in helping her deal with her BIG emotions, and mine. Anyways, so here are some great tools that I want to share with you.

1. Get off your butt. This one has been a little more difficult lately as moving around is getting harder and slower with my increasing pregnant belly size. So getting off your butt and going to your toddler to deal with the situation rather than trying to deal with it from afar is helpful in reducing the amount of yelling. There is a lot that can go behind this tool. I suggest you go to Get Off Your Butt Parenting, it’s a great place to start with how to make your words matter so you don’t have to repeat yourself a million times.
2. Redirecting your toddler.This works for some kids and some situations better than others. Ahnikha was never able to be redirected very easily, but Zoë is a little easier in most situations where I want her not to be doing something, I’ll take her away from a dangerous situation or one where she’s not getting along so well with her siblings and can easily get her to do something else somewhere else. Play dough is great way to get her to forget about what’s happening elsewhere.
3. PHALT: Potty, Hungry, Angry/Anxious, Lonely, Tired. So double check these things. Are you potty training? Do they need to go? It’s amazing how that need to “go” influences their behaviour. Whens the last time s/he ate? Perhaps a snack would be good now if they are starting to get out of hand. If the snack isn’t appropriate, is there a reason they might be angry or anxious? Show them some compassion and give them a cuddle. Lonely, have they had much of your attention yet today? Spend some time with your child, even if you really don’t want to cause you think their behaviour deserves a “time out” consider some quiet time withyou and reading a story to help them feel loved by you. This could lead them right to being tired, and maybe lead that story to nap time and cuddle with them for a little while for nap or bed.
4. Giving positive direction/instructions by telling them what TO do, not by telling them what NOT TO do. Show them how to as well. Phrases like, “Zoë don’t hit the cat”, “Ahnikha don’t Yell”, “Ronan don’t scream” (he’s going through a bit of a scream when playing phase, and it hurts my head and ears) just don’t seem to work. Instead if we change it to, “Zoë use gentle hands with the cat”, “Ahnikha talk with a quiet voice”, “ Ronan, Inside voice” These are hard, cause I have to remember these too. And it’s HARD to remember not to yell at them when they are doing something I want them to stop.
5. Reflecting their feelings is one I picked up from a book called, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.  If you reflect their feelings back to them it helps them to feel like they are acknowledged. Their feelings matter, and shouldn’t be dismissed. It also helps them to associate specific words with specific emotions since they are so young, they don’t know the words to describe what they are feeling. I remember shopping with the kids right around Christmas time, and there was a dad shopping with his daughter and they were looking at the craft stuff, and he asked what she would like. She wanted one thing, but he didn’t want to get that, I think it was more expensive or something, but he just dismissed her feelings of disappointment, and rather harshly said no for this particular craft, and started mocking her disappointment. She was whining a bit but that doesn’t mean we have to mock them when they are disappointed they couldn’t get what they wanted. I felt so bad for the girl she had no idea how to express herself.
6. Aim for positive intentions in everything you do. What are your intentions in the situation? Does it have to be no? Why? Is it just because it’s inconvenient? These are your children; try not to think of them as an inconvenience.
7. The 5 steps:I LOVE these. I’ve basically taken them from the site and added my own opinion and thoughts on how they work for us. They get my point across, and they’re great for predictability and consistency.
   1. State your request.You can let your reason be known here if you want to, that’s what they suggest on the link above, but I find I have to talk SO much if I do, cause I’m going to get a “why?” after whether I tell them the reason for my request or not. So I just state what I want, wait for the why, and then tell them.
   2. Restate it while making sure they heard you.Sometimes I’ll just ask them making sure they are looking at me and listening, getting on their level helps “Ronan did you hear what I asked you?” because sometimes they honestly don’t.
   3. Offer Help. Toddlers love to be independent, so this one usually gets them to do things. “I see you’re having a hard time with (such and such), can you do it yourself? Or do you need my help?” let them answer with a yes or no and see if they can do what you stated
   4. If they are still not doing what you ask, then help them to complete whatever it is you stated. Please remember that help is NOT punishment. It is an acknowledgment that your child is unable to stop on their own. This may be due to a lack of maturity, being tired or hungry, or simply not wanting to stop. I had a really hard time with this at first. I knew Ahnikha was capable of so much, like putting socks on while I put the other kids shoes on, but she insisted she couldn’t do it. So frustrating when you just want to get out the door! But while getting the others ready and going through these steps took up the time, and then I would help her when I was able. I still get frustrated with that though. Socks! It’s so ridiculous.
   5. The Bear Hug. I’ve not actually used this one too much, but it is sometimes needed. I think I’m just going to quote Crystal from her page here on the how and when because I wouldn’t be able to duplicate it so eloquently.

   Stand behind your child and wrap your arms over her shoulders and across her chest. Hold her arms with your hands if you are concerned about her striking out. Squat down to her level and speak gently in her ear that you are helping her stop herself and that you will let her go when she can stop herself. Gentle pressure on her shoulders can keep her from kicking or attempting to run from you. This is not a punishment. It is providing outside boundaries for a child who lacks internal boundaries.

   There are actually a few times when it’s appropriate.

   First, it’s a great connecting tool when you’re not even using the other steps. Especially for children who love touch and contact. I often sweep into a room, scoop a child up into a bear hug, squeeze and cuddle and then move on. The thing about the positioning of the bear hug is that mom is non-threatening–behind, at child’s level, and able to speak calmly and quietly into child’s ear. The hug provides a sense of security to most children. I actually encourage doing this often so that when it’s done as the 5th step the child is comfortable with it and comforted BY it.

   Second, it is a great tool for providing external boundaries when a child’s internal boundaries have broken down. Because the 4th step is *helping* that is where most interactions should end–parent helps child be successful and not cooperating is NOT an option. But if the child melts down or becomes violent then it’s important to keep them, yourself, and others safe and holding them not only does that but, with most children, helps them calm down. Because children push the boundaries when they don’t feel safe, providing kind and firm boundaries in a tangible way he’s them feel safe and calm down.

   If a child is averse to the Bear Hug then I would only use it if the child was truly being violent and needed to be kept safe. In that case I’m not particularly concerned about them not liking it because safety comes first. Otherwise, if they are just *melting down* then I find a safe place for them to have their big feelings and I wait nearby.

   During the Bear Hug I speak calmly into the child’s ears saying things that let them know I will release them as soon as they have their own self-control, that I am bigger than their big feelings, that they are safe and I will keep them safe, that I hear them being very upset–reflecting, validating and affirming them while instructing them in what they need to do (get their self-control back).

   - AOLFF.org The 5 steps

8. Modeling the behaviour you want to see. This is SO very important. James points this out to me all the time. “You know you teach her to do that when you do such and such” and I know he’s trying to help, but it sure is a smack in the face and realizing how far I still have to go in getting this right.
9. Remember to breathe, if need be count to 5 or 10. Then follow up with what needs to be dealt with.
10. Don’t forget to apologize when you are wrong.It’s very humbling to apologize to a 2 or 3yr old about something you did that hurt them. Whether it (yelling for example) was intentional or not. They will come around and apologize and forgive you so easily. It’s funny how they can teach us things too.
11. Remember that Grace is for parents too!! Jesus died so that we can have a clean pure heart. So don’t be too hard on yourself, try, try again, because he loves you!

Hopefully this list doesn’t overwhelm you. There is a lot here, and if you aren’t used to thinking in this manner, it’s hard to do all of them. I would suggest trying to implement some that you might feel would be effective with your little one. For our family I think we tried to start with the 5 steps.  I had found www.aolff.org and saw that she had some practical tools on how to deal with getting them to cooperate. So which of these do you already use? Which of these do you want to start using? Have any questions about them? I’d be happy to clarify anything I mentioned.