I know not everyone who reads this is a Christian, and I imagine that it must be a lot harder to be this kind of parent without the help of the bible to model it to your kids.
This started so long ago, probably about 6 years. I think the church we are members of now, has had a big impact on how I think today. The revival of our faith, being part of this church family, has affected so much of our daily living and through that we have grown and our thoughts have changed on how to raise our kids.
Ahnikha was a very strong willed baby. I remember she hated diaper changes, and she would get so angry with me on the change table. There was one time that sticks out in my mind, she was a newborn, and I felt like I had to control her crying. A newborn! How ridiculous is that to want to control their crying? I got so mad at her that she was so upset about diaper changes. Looking back, that seems so silly now. Mind you I think there may have been some post-partum depression going on that went unnoticed, but it came out as anger rather than sadness. I felt so guilty after that diaper change with how I felt towards her, but I had no idea how it should have been either, or how to fix it.
Like most people we started off with disposable diapers, but but it became clear that disposables and Ahnikha’s sensitive skin didn’t get along. She had a rash constantly on her poor little tushie. I remember sitting with her naked on me with a blanket so many times so she wouldn’t have to have anything touching her bottom so the blisters could heal. I then began researching different methods of treating or preventing diaper rash and found that it’s pretty common, and people that couldn’t find a brand that wouldn’t burn them found their answer in cloth diapers. So the journey to cloth diapering began when she was 6 months old. This opened a whole new world to me. Through that research I found a message board www.diaperswappers.comand in it was a whole new world of diapers, but not only that, they had sections in their board for everything, including parenting. And it just opened my eyes to seeing that not everyone parented the exact same way, not everyone spanked or forced their babies on schedules, used threats for discipline. It intrigued me, so I began digging some more, just little bits here and there.
Life kind of went on like this for a while. I did the best I could, but often felt I had no control over her in anything she did. Just yesterday I read the back of a book Families Where Grace Is in Place, and so much of it rang true to what I had felt:
You put your best effort toward having a good Christian marriage and raising good Christian kids, but you often end up feeling less than perfect – more like a failure. Why is that? ….the let letdown comes from focusing too much on controlling others’ behaviour and attitudes. When people spend their lives trying to transform or “fix” their spouses and their kids, the natural result is exhaustion, depression, and an overall sense of hopelessness.
– Families Where Grace Is In Place, Back Cover
I kept thinking I could control and change my kids to fit the way I wanted them to be. It made me a very angry mom. Not the mom I had always envisioned I would be.
So for the next few years I tried to do things proper, and tried to stay calm. All on my own accord, I didn’t really know what else to do. I yelled A LOT, was frustrated constantly, spanked too hard, and cried about how I felt like I was failing them as a mom. I never felt like I was good enough. I never had enough patience, and my fuse was always so short because soon my thoughts were, well I don’t have patience anyways, so why bother trying.
I can’t really remember when exactly I started to slowly change my mindset about what was going wrong. I do remember reading a lot on Arms of Love Family Fellowship and trying to implement the things I learned there. I also found Gentle Christian Mothers a couple times. I would read the public forums and try to learn new tools there on how to deal with the kids. I never applied to be a member cause I didn’t want to admit my problem was so big that I had to ask for help from others. Their registration is closed from time to time so the board members can get to know each other a bit and then welcome others in batches, for lack of a better way to explain why it. So in 2010 when the registration was open again, I applied to join, and was approved. I read a lot on the boards, and found some books they recommended and bought them (I’ve only read one cover to cover to date: Biblical Parenting).
One the boards there was this message/theme of how Jesus would be a parent. The whole WWJD (What would Jesus Do?) struck a cord deep and hard with me. Little quotes from peoples signatures like, “a persons a person no matter how small” from a Dr. Sues story. I can’t remember which one, Horton hears a who maybe? It’s so true!! Our kids are people, and should be treated as such. Not bullied or manipulated into our whims and desires.
There is also a Facebook page that I found called Peaceful Parenting, which is full of articles and stories and links to relevant sources about infants and kids. It has helped me to listen to my instincts.
I think the biggest change came when our church small groups did this series called, A life To Die For. It was all about how to die to self and let Christ live in you. It’s weird, because I knew all this stuff before, but when you put it together for a bible study with others, it’s crazy how it changes you. Our pastor, Francis, issued a challenge in church on my 29thbirthday to the congregation to read the entire Bible in a year. I didn’t manage to finish the whole thing, but almost. I think I just had the book of Acts left, but I took a few months off, and then James and I decided to start it again. He’s doing it chronologically though. What was amazing to me is how much in the Bible is about parenting, or how you can relate what you read to the situations with your kids, and how to model Christ’s grace to the kids.
I’ve recently started going to a mom to mom group. There is a video we watch, and then talk about what it said with some questions. Our first meeting was 2 weeks ago, and we talked about legacy parenting. And I think this sort of fits with that too. What do you want them to remember? Who do you want them to be? And how are you going to get there? This really fits in with the whole grand picture of what kind of parent are you, or do you want to be?
In the video this week she talked a lot about God’s grace and forgiveness and how it’s for us over and over again. She also mentioned a few verses in proverbs, but I was impressed with the fact that the book of Proverbs alone has 28 verses on parenting!! One that I really liked was proverbs 1:8-9:
Hear, my son, your father's instruction
And do not forsake your mother's teaching;
Indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head
And ornaments about your neck.
-Proverbs 1:8-9
I want to be a wreath of grace, and I wasn’t that before. While I’m still working on it, I can see a difference in how I think, and react to my children’s behaviour. I’m not nearly as quick to get so angry as before. I don’t believe that I’ll ever be perfect (as no one is), but I do take a lot of comfort in the fact that I can answer, “Yes I am growing in God’s Grace!”
So I want to know, how did you become the parent you are today? Do you have a blog or a story you’d like to share? I would love to hear it!! You can email it to me at mum2.1babygirl@gmail.com if you’re uncomfortable sharing here.